Laem Singh. Arguably one of Phuket’s most appealing beaches. Is situated between Kamala and Hat Surin, about 20 minutes on the bike from Patong.

Disadvantage: One has to walk for a few metres (Bikes and cars have to be parked up above, costs 20 Baht to be guarded). The bay is pretty small meaning it gets quite full, and for those of you who might be disturbed by the fact, it is mainly visited by Italians. Their not the cheap pool supervisors from Rimini, they are all at Patong lying in the sun. Apart from that, when the sea gets rough one has to watch out that one is not swept over to the left towards the rocks – this can be pretty dangerous – apart from all that, bathing there is easy and nice.

Advantage: Apart from the appealing location and occasional overcrowding, one is somehow still able to get a bit of peace and quiet. I cannot explain it, that’s what it’s like. One doesn’t get on each other nerves, there is very good food, I recommend ‘Da Ali’, great Italian cooking, but for those who don’t want ‘Spaghetti al Dente’ (Perfecto), there is also very good Thai food. Of course one can order ‘pet pet’ (hot) as often as one wants and with emphasis, but one always gets the lax version, the ‘farang’ version. But as I have already mentioned, high standard, and high priced as usual, but not too expensive, is still affordable. Friendly people who make a lot of effort, and of course, spectacular sunsets.

The girl was a freelancer who I dragged from the street in Patong, load of crap: Just for a bit of fun I undid her bikini, just pulled the string a little, she got really uptight, must have been on the game down Frankfurt station for some time… I just played innocent, but drove her home during the evening, sacked her without notice, of course without any payment. Where the hell are we then, got enough bitches back in Germany, bye bye.

The tsunami warning signs are not to be missing here either: In the case of an earthquake, run the 50 metres to the next hill. One just has to follow the arrows OK, we are all a lot wiser now. The wave smashed everything here as well. The people here had to start again from scratch… They didn’t have things quite as bad as others, as far as I know nobody lost their life, and the beach is a goldmine, they will have money coming in either way.

Another beach? Of course lads, we’re on an island!

Nui Beach is a small remote beach in Phuket, that apart from being situated at an appealing location, is still a bit difficult to reach. It is situated (When coming from Patong) between Kata and Nai Harn Beach. That’s where the roofed viewpoint is on the way to Khaluang Beach. One passes by the viewpoint on the right and carries on down the road, after quite some time one will see a sign with ‘Nui Beach 2 km’.

The road is absolutely terrible; I even had a bit of difficulty with the jeep… There is no way one will make it in a normal car. The roads were completely dry, haven’t got a clue how people get there during the rainy season. So, choose either four wheel drive or an enduro. I guess it is also possible with a normal motorbike, but watch out that you don’t damage any of your bones. By the way, there is a much more comfortable way to reach this beach, one gets someone in a boat to take one there, I am going to try that at some time in the future, this means that one will even have the pleasure of a small trip at sea, and as we already know, these trips are quite amusing.

After about one kilometre there is a large sign offering a ‘taxi service’: For the last kilometre 80 Baht per head, each way. One is able to park one’s car and phone with the use of the mobile, one is then picked up. Of course, this service is also offered for the return journey. It is expensive, if there are two of you it will cost a total of 320 Baht, then it is better to catch a boat, shouldn’t cost more than 400 Baht from Rawai. 

In the end one reaches the entrance to the beach, yes, one has to pay an entrance fee: 250 Baht each. This price includes a deck chair and a drink. For those who don’t believe it and think that they can get in for free, there is the telephone number of the tourist police on the sign at the entrance.

Once one has mastered all hurdles, one is rewarded with a very nice cosy beach, with excellent restaurants just above providing a lovely view of the natural surroundings.

The beach is no good for non-swimmers, gets deep pretty quickly. NBC equipment (For snorkelling) can be hired; there are also canoes for paddling about in.

OK, the typical visitor is from quiet and boring up to extravagant, and it would most certainly be great fun to turn up in a long-boat with about 5 whores to create a bit of a fuss. At least one would draw a bit of attention

Hat Surin. The beach is about 20 minutes bike journey to the north of Patong. It is completely structured for tourists, very similar to Patong. It is a very nice beach, but during the monsoon season (about May until October), swimming is not recommendable due to the life threatening currents. During this time red flags fly to warn against entering the quickly deepening water. Despite of the warnings, the occasional careless tourist drowns here.

The large picture above may deceive: The shot makes the place look romantic and solitary, but it’s not, especially during the main season. A few years back there were restaurants and bars along only about half of the stretch of the kilometre long beaches; the rest was solitary and empty. Nowadays the place is completely full from one end to the other. The new catalogue tourist hotel does the remainder of the damage. However, one is able to sit quite comfortably, there are showers and the food is recommendable, even though not all that cheap, but who would expect that here anyway.

So, after finding a nice hotel, and a means of travelling, it starts to get dark in Patong. The throat is dry as a bone, and the girls are waiting.

Today I really put my shoulder to the wheel, and screwed the wide angle and tripod onto the camera. Grubert turns night-time into daytime… There are not many things one won’t do… just like a catalogue tourist, strolled through the early evening bar streets dragging my equipment along with me… But I reckon it had been worth while, well, I think so anyway, the pics turned out good – anyone think differently?

The Tiger complex, the Bangla Road (This is where all the beer bar streets and stalls can be found, all those places that are dead during the daytime), catalogue tourists, sex, and quality tourists. Many couples, most of them completely different from each other. The ‘Thai Pan’, where one will find loads of freelancers, but only late at night. It has just got dark! Street traders with the latest crappy bric-a-brac, are hanging around, cigarette traders all over the place. Still nothing going on in the Tiger, they are filling up with beer, the first of the hens are doing themselves up. Depending on the time of year, this is a place where one will at a later hour not even be able to find anywhere to sit down.

Of course, in the meantime the scene in Patong has also changed to the effect that there are a lot of farang couples and cultural tourists. Of course the girls cannot profit from these people, and if one asks what they think about this they just moan quite a bit – even during the main season. OK, one has to take the rough with the smooth.

Doesn’t matter, people always differ and expect different things. In general they can be divided into two different categories. In the category where they screw up their nose because of all the ‘easy women’, and the other type, a little more pleasant, are those who smile when they see one messing around with a whore in a Tuk Tuk, as if to say – we used to be young as well. These people mainly come from Australia or somewhere similar, but not from a small village behind the German woods. Well, what can I say; many people are out of their depths in such a situation. Travelling educates, that’s the only thing I can say about this, it expands one’s mental horizon. But not if one is a stuffy old German – narrow minded, or what? Some people just make one want to puke.

Phuket Town is the capitol city of the island. When “Phuketians” talk about going to Phuket, they mean the town. The town can be easily reached from Patong for a few Baht on the Songthaeow (a type of bus that collects on route), or on the hired motorbike. Taxis are not recommendable due to them being pretty expensive. I was there a few times on my motorbike, went shopping during the day (there are many gold shops there and a very good gallery with nice copies of all sorts of oil paintings). And a brothel that opens in the morning. This place is only for hard bastards, the girls are all older.

I went there anyway and found it quite amusing. It’s called the “Siam Hotel” (known by all taxi drivers), open from 10 in the morning until 8 in the evening, is 3 stories high. Nearly reminds me of the whore houses in Frankfurt, but is only for the hard core friends amongst us… The Expats just call it the “juicing station”. You can get a gobble here for 250 – 300 Baht; the best thing to do is to hire a couple of whores. There are a few massage parlous in PT, but they are pretty expensive. The massage parlour in Patong called “Christins” is absolutely rubbish. They have no competition and I can only warn you that you should not expect much at all from the place.

There were four of us so we treated ourselves to a taxi for the evening. Mr Lohs telephone Nr: 06 – 5945177. Can be recognised on some of the pics. He takes 1000 – 1500 Baht for the whole evening including the trip from the hotel to PT and back. In PT he shows one the relevant points of “interest” such as whore houses and karaokes etc. We suspected him of getting a commission from one of the Karaoke Bars, the bill was a bit steep, but with there being four of us to pay it, we didn’t find it too bad. All in all, the evening was quite amusing, but we got really smashed in the end in a Disco. In the Karaoke Bars we spent quite a time with bored girls, but some things were ok. Yeah well, that’s what it’s like, there more accustomed to Thai audiences, and when Thai men go out, they really paint the town red. They are not so “Ki niau” (miserly) as the Farang.

In Phuket Town there is also a brothel road, locally known as “Soi 11” (ssoi ssipp aed), all taxi drivers know it. We were there at 10 in the evening, probably to early. There was not much going on, and the girls just yawned as they saw us. Just as I said, the deeper you enter the province, the worse the service gets.

Above: Siam Hotel, on the corner of PHANGNGNA RD and THANON PHUKET. Hen in hotel, room with view from the 3^rd floor. Gold shop, body massage in PEARL HOTEL (ugly girls and expensive, left straight away). If ugly then better a BJ in Siam hotel for 300 Baht…

The karaoke was huge with at least 50 – 80 girls. They sung alternately and sat on the men for a talk, a bite to eat and of course a glass of alk. Up to now it had absolutely nothing to do with sex… Thais have other ideas about “amusement” than us from the west. Found it interesting just for a change. The best thing was a queer, or better an older Gathoey (Ladyboy) who worked there and got hold of my mate. Was quite funny, we had a good laugh (even he did as well). The girls in the larger bar were also all pretty good looking, some very good looking and nice. Mr Loh gave it rocks again; of course we paid for all his drinks as well.  

Of course one can meet them after knocking off time which we did, that’s why we landed in the Disco. I think the hens were just looking for a few prats to pay for the drinks… Doesn’t matter, was quite amusing right to the very end. Anyway, as you see, if one ventures out of the tourist areas, the cards are shuffled quite differently. Don’t forget lads, we’ve got to pay for it…

Back in Patong we popped into the Thai Pan and ended up in bed alone… On the way back we discussed whether Mr Loh deserved a tip or not. Most voted against and were probably right because we reckoned he had made his cash in the karaoke bar and had had a really nice evening – at our cost. He pulled a pretty long face as we said goodbye, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.