My last visit to Koh Samui was quite a while ago now. I followed my own advice and took a girl with me to the island. The shock of my first couple of visits still sits pretty deep. In Bangkok I phoned Noi, an old acquaintance from my days in Patpong. Currently she is not working in the Bar because her long time boyfriend from Ireland sends her money on a regular basis so that she doesn’t have to. This doesn’t keep her from hooking a Farang now and again; Money never does any damage, does it? The difference is, is that she can hand pick her punters because her rent has already been paid for, and the fridge is full. She is never bored and she definitely still has quite a bit of fun.

She was quite happy about my phone call, and after the first date I suggested that she accompanied me to the island, she delightfully agreed. A bit of a holiday and a change won’t do any harm at all…

I wasn’t to regret my decision, because, although the situation on Samui regarding the availability of hens had seemed to have improved over the past few years, I knew that with Noi I was on to a good thing. The name fitted her, Noi means small – just 40 kg, sweet, firm, girly tits, huge nipples, and more than likely the longest tongue in the world that she new how to use, just like her fingers, if you know what I mean… She licks and swallows everything, looks after me, does everything, is always on “standby” and always in a good mood. What more could one wish for? Her, rather too large for a Thai, nose seems to have come from her French grandfather. 

The one way ticket from Bangkok costs around 4000 Baht, the flight takes about an hour. The passenger list is mainly made up of young people. Back-packers, and a few young couples with kids of who we will meet a lot of on the island. BTW, I have never seen so many nice looking Farang women in Thailand as I have seen here, but who cares anyway, most of them are complainers, especially these.

Well, what did I mention about my last visit to the island… I was in Lamai, that’s the second largest tourist location; I was in the Weekender Hotel. As far as I am concerned, it was, at the bottom of the line, a little bit to quiet, I mean the location, the hotel wasn’t that good either (see hotel description on the homepage). Will ad a few photos to the report later on.

That’s the reason why I came to Chaweng this time, no doubt about it that it’s the location with the most shops and hotels, the tourist centre amongst the islands so to say. For years I have been giving advice to first take a good look when something new enters the market, if one decides to go somewhere new, and what do I do myself… Ok, I paid the price; I have already mentioned the hotel. That the situation in Chaweng is now completely different as I had imagined is also my own fault. I thought, Samui, this tiny little island, what needs to be prepared there? Off to Chaweng, right in the middle of things, the rest will work out itself, I’m an old hand, rubbish.

Our hotel CHAWENG BURI was situated quite conveniently, pretty much in the middle of things, but I searched in vain for a Beer Bar centre such as in Lamai… The scene there is somehow different, everything was larger, but not concentrated, and everything is such a long way from each other. The road carries on for kilometres down the beach, of course there are a lot of hotels, there are loads of shops, beauty and massage parlours, and the usual sales stalls. But Beer Bars? Wrong. One has to search for them with a magnifying glass; it’s not that much of a whore’s location. If anything, the whole of the island is a bit of a “catalogue tourists” place, and differs a lot from Phuket. So, Patong on Phuket and Chaweng on Samui are completely different.

First of all I wanted to take a look at the Gogo Bars, for a long time now I had thought that I had somehow heard about them. So, Werner searches for Gogo Bars in Chaweng. Dragged the chick along, called a taxi: Take me to a Gogo Bar! Don’t know of any, after the 3^rd or 4^th try, “Gogo bar, no problem”, lets go, cost me 300 for the journey, he chucked us out in front of the “Coco Bar”, open air and live music. After standing around in front of the place for quite a long time, the manager came out; who I immediately asked where the hens were. He told me there weren’t any, not allowed on the island; I then jacked in looking any further. But: never trust a bar manager, you are supposed to drink HIS beer, but not me, not to the sound of live music Waaahhh!

Two days later I found what I was looking for, near a solo disco, there are some here, 2, Gogo Bars, really bad? No, those in Khon Khaenn are even worse.

Carry on with the first evening: Just for myself, I had really believed in the Beer Bar scene on Samui… Wanted to down a few bevies together with Noi after the experience with the Coco Bar. Didn’t find any straight away! Who would have thought that… Chaweng is different, it’s a bit confusing. So we did actually jump into a taxi and buzz off down to Lamai! Cost us 300 each way. Went down the old and well known Beer Centre which is situated not quite opposite the old WEEKENDER RESORT. There I kept a few girls free and started the usual old programme… B52s, Black coke, Spy, Margarita, Beer etc. I felt a lot more at home here, and also the sight of the girls at the bar was familiar to me, the way they looked anyway. I was glad to have Noi with me. In the Bar Centre itself it was pretty dead, nothing much going on, haven’t got a clue how they manage to survive. My girl was pretty pissed up afterward, and pretty good for use as well…

At first sight, the airport didn’t seem to have changed all that much: The unmistakable open air reception area of the airport sticks in everyone’s mind. We are taken in the open wagons to the open air reception. Here we booked 2 bungalows (a mate was with us as well) in “Chaweng Buri” for nearly 4000 Baht, which is expensive, but we were very satisfied with the hotel. Due to it always being fully booked, we were, later in the holiday, not able to haggle the price down. One is in fact, able to book it for about half the price than when booking here, for example by Meier’s World Travels: Wasted some money again, I was not very well prepared. At the airport one is able to exchange some cash at the ATM (cash point). We took a 15 minute trip with a taxi to Chaweng for 300 Baht.

No, a big fat question mark should be entered after this headline. Both of the Gogo bars in Chaweng are only worth mentioning because there aren’t any others. One of the bars is called “Dream Girls”, the name promises a bit too much – one enters in a willing and pleasurable condition, and leaves in a pretty sober state of mind. Worn out furniture, one gets a bad back in the chairs. The girls give it all they have got… To cadge lady drinks and rip one off as much as they can.

Something else that’s worth mentioning, well that’s about it. One can have a bit of fun by buying a few ping pong balls for 20 Baht each, and then throw them in front of the dancing girls’ feet. 15 Baht for the girl, 5 for the bar. All these balls happen to be dented, done on purpose, so that they don’t really bounce around all that much, this would mean that the girls would have it a bit too strenuous when trying to collect them. The girls don’t really like it that the balls are thrown onto the stage, this means that they have to bend down. They like it a lot better if one puts them directly into their hand, so as to say, thanks a lot for dancing for me, and that I am allowed to watch you, here is a tip as well! That I pay the expensive prices because I am in a Gogo Bar, doesn’t matter.

Those who know the system with the ping pong balls from Pattaya or Bangkok, know how much fun one can have, that is, for what reason it is done. Fun for the paying guest, the signs are change around here, one turns oneself into a voluntary prat. The first evening I bought a few balls, and after I found out that I was barking up the wrong tree, I tipped the rest of the balls onto the floor for the waitresses.

This here was the icing on the cake: My mate forked out for one of the hens, paid the barfine for her. There were four of us out and about (him his hen mine hen and myself). We left the place pretty quickly and went down to the other Gogo Bar, a few metres further on, and as I now see on the photos, its called the “GB LOUNGE”, where just to mention on the side, I had drunk the worst Margarita I have ever had in my whole life, and I know what I am on about.

We ordered a bottle of the nice and tasty “Regency” Thai Whisky plus dilution, because we fancied a bit of a booze up. Now listen to this! After about a half an hour, my mate’s hen said that she had to go home soon because a baby in need of care was waiting for her. If he wanted a bit of “in and out”, then he should get a move on and look for a hotel room. Never heard of such a thing before, the (paid!!) whore giving the orders. My mate was shocked and did without her presentations. As far as I am concerned, I still cannot believe it, just without words, have never heard anything like it before in the whole wide world.

Another story from the GB LOUNGE: On this evening, my bit of stuff was quite willing, and prepared to try a threesome together with one of the dancers here. This one gave it all she had and distributed a round of French kisses. The small print in her contract brought the whole process to an abrupt end as far as I was concerned: 5000 Baht for short time… Haaaa Haaaa!!! I have never ever paid 5000 for a pro before in Thailand, and then for only ST, ludicrous.

There is one certain experience in the “Dream Girls“ that I don’t want to withhold. The extraordinary experience of the situation hat less with the bar itself to do, but more with the alcohol consume of my hen.

We had downed quite a few bevvies once again that evening, and it was getting a little late. Beforehand we had fallen through quite a few bars, Noi couldn’t get enough to drink that night and didn’t miss a chance to down one at all, but one should be able to take it. We were sat in the Gogo mentioned, right at the top in the back row. Next to us a couple of beginners who were being ripped of by a couple of crafty hens who were getting their moneys worth in the form of lady drinks. Noi was sat on my lap, Face to face, a kiss and such. Suddenly she started bobbing about.

Bobbing about on my stiffy, (just in case, sildenafil as always). I thought, man, what a great bloke I am, she’s going to come right through my jeans, just because I’m so strong and good looking. Then I realised the real reason for her shockwaves: She starts retching, holds her hand in front of her mouth, leans over to the side and pukes all over the couch. Fantastic!!! What the hell am I supposed to do now? She had puked a really big pizza sized cake on the red couch. OK, just leave the place and pretend that I had nothing to do with it, not much chance of that. I would have still had to carry her (later on I did as well), running off was for the same reason also out of the question, it’s a bit stupid with a girl hanging over ones shoulder.

So, what should I do: Wait until she has finished puking? After about 10 minutes (Funnily enough NOBODY had noticed, neither the dancing girls, the waitresses, nor the two prats with their hens had noticed a thing) I called a waitress and showed her, how ugly a thing like that can look. She didn’t seem to care, but of course didn’t seem to like it either. She changed her mind as I dragged around about 600 Baht out of my pocket, “Your want to give that for me…?” Yes of course, I’m very sorry, “No plomplem”, grabbed the cash and ran off to get a bucket of water, was back in 2 minutes with the water and a cloth to show me that she earned the money herself. She cleaned up the mess, wasn’t very happy but did a good job. This let me leave cleanly (there was still nobody interested in what had happened). I had Noi more or less jammed under my arm, then they all started looking at us, so what, I’ve paid.

Once outside, I haven’t got a clue how we made it the 200 metres back to the hotel. Motorbike taxi was no good because she would have most certainly fallen off; a taxi was stood there waiting for idiots, wanted 200 Baht for the few metres. Wasn’t much room for haggling but I took it anyway. At least Noi had puked everything up in the bars and left the taxi clean. On arrival at the hotel I discovered that I had no small change, just a 1000 Baht note! Doesn’t normally happen to me, I’m careful and know that the taxi drivers are always trying to rip one off (I can’t change). Not this one, he CAN! What a surprise. I would have even given him the 1000 – no other choice with my completely knackered out fiancée under my arm. But there are nice taxi drivers who are satisfied with 200 Baht for 200 metres…

On arrival at the hotel we set off towards the bungalow, sat her down on a stone and made it clear to her that she was not to go anywhere while I went to get the key from the reception hole. Wouldn’t have been necessary anyway, on return I found that she would NOT have been able to move anyway… I slung her over my shoulder, and carried her home, over the threshold just like someone newly in love… “Oh don’t do that…” She mumbled, nothing like a bride should be when being carried over the threshold.

I undressed her and laid her down in bed, put my bathing trunks on, took a couple of beers out of the fridge and a stodgy out of the box. Strolled off down to the beach and had a bit of a swim, naked, silver-moon, the atmosphere still a bit in the cellar. What the hell am I paying her for? Only had these sort of destructive thoughts for a short time, it crossed my mind that now and again I had been feeling pretty rough as well, so I went back up the beach to my beer for a drink. There I met a couple of security blokes and had a drink with them. It’s so nice to have such a hotel, next to the sea, and safe as well.

The next morning Noi cannot remember a single thing, but she paid the bill without a word of complaint, well, a bit of dirty this and that, hehehehehe………….

After this lovely story, just for a change a few really bad bad pictures from another bad bad evening out. The main part played by a talented, completely prick happy cock sucker. She knows the ropes and isn’t shy about anything. She used her tongue, finger and thumb, she will, likes and needs it like that, yeah, she is really harsh, and I like it harsh, look at the happy and satisfied look in her eyes…

Ok you cultural tourists! We will now do something for your education…

“Big Buddha” (at Wat Phra Yai) no visitor to Samui should miss this. It’s a 17 metre high Buddha statue, it can be accessed via a dam (near the airport), together with a temple and all the usual stuff: One can get a bite to eat, there are just stacks of souvenir stalls, statues of Buddha of all shapes and sizes, joss sticks are lit up and gold leaf applied.

There is even a sort of “electrical oracle”; this is to tell ones fate in advance. One has to insert a coin into the apparatus; a light rotates in a circle, first of all quite fast before it starts to slow down and stops at a certain point. This point has a number on which the basic facts of ones near future can be read. This reminds me a little of the “electrical monk” from Douglas Adams. We tried it out of course… My next baby is going to be a boy and Noi is to have a girl, Ok, just have to look for someone else…

The whole facility is very colourful which I liked very much. Thais love lots of colours and the shining of gold does its thing as well. Buddha is renowned for his teaching simplicity and humbleness, the gold is not liked by Thais (or Buddhists) because of its value, they like it because it is shiny, Buddha is the “enlightened”. The rays that he produces are supposed to help others on their way to be enlightened, what’s better than gold for achieving something like this?

For the Last Minute Tourists (meaning for those who didn’t manage to get a travellers guide and learn all about the does and don’ts and Taboos of course, for those who haven’t got a clue about the customs of the country) and those resistant against experience, there are notices explaining about taking off ones shoes and only to wear moderate clothing.