“Hey sexy man!!!” is cried all over the place, followed by “come inside!” sometimes with “meeeee” added to the end (“come inside me”). It doesn’t matter about our looks, even older and not very attractive men are coaxed into the bars with us of all possible and “impossible” methods. Of course they want to earn money; bars exist by selling drinks and maybe by hiring out a girl.

A beer bar is a bar, which is at least completely open on one side; most of them are open on all four. All bars have a roof; this is necessary due to the weather (extreme sun and for when it happens to rain). Most beer bars don’t stand alone but are together with quite a few others (sometimes up to about 100), in this case one will talk about a beer bar complex.

How does a beer bar function?

One enters the bar and looks for a place to sit, mainly at the bar. Some bars have a comfortable place to sit with a table. Normally one is welcomed and one orders a drink. After this one is served with the drink one has ordered together with the bill as a note (see “safety”) in a small beaker or similar, which should be placed in front of you. In general, after a short time, one or a number of girls will turn up and start chatting to you, the contents is always the same:

How are you?

What is your name?

Where you come from?

And maybe a question asking you whether you are there on business or on holiday, and, whether one is in Thailand for the first time (say no!).

Depending on how the bar is run one is either quickly, later on or not at all, asked for a lady drink. If this is asked at the beginning then say no. If you fancy one of the girls and you want her to stay then buy her a drink. If you don’t fancy a girl but another one working in the same bar then it is no problem to let her know. So, make eye contact with the girl with you at that moment, let her know or tell the Mamasan (manageress or owner of the bar).

After a bit of small talk one or the other entertaining game is played  such as “4 wins” or a simple dice game whereby the objective is to throw all number combinations from 2 – 12 with the use of two dice. One may even play a more skilful game with wooden bricks. Some beer bars even have a snooker or billiard table.

Of course the bars try to provide an interesting atmosphere, the louder the music and the laughter of the girls, the more customers start turning up. Later at night and with increasing alcohol consume it will get more joyful.

The bars’ opening hour from about midday until two in the morning, this could deviate a little depending on the location of the bar.

There is a bell hanging in each bar and customers who ring this bell (possibly as loud as possible so that the whole street hears it) have just volunteered to buy a round for all present. By the way, such bells or something similar can be found in all types of bars throughout “tourist Thailand”. One should not ring them all that often if at all.

A lady drink costs about twice the price of a beer or local brand of whisky and is often just a tiny little glass full (sometimes they seem to be the size of a thimble) of some drink. Some girls only drink Coke, other Thai whisky, gin or even a beer. The girls are given a part of the price of a drink; mainly one third to one half, the bar keeps the rest.

Another source of earnings for bars and girls are the hiring fees. The fee is paid to the bar (in beer bars mainly 300 – 400 Baht) to compensate for the girl’s loss of business for the rest of the evening. You take the girl with you obviously meaning that she cannot work for the bar for the rest of the day. The hiring fee is shared between the girl and the bar, they get about half each.

If you happen to meet a nice girl who you can imagine keeping until the next day then ask her quickly without waiting, this for two reasons: There are Thai girls who won’t go with you for a long time because they have a boyfriend (often a Thai) or one or the other “sheiks” or “sugar daddies” who regularly send them cash. They will then say “sorry but I am on the rag”. A bit rotten if they first let you know after about eight hours. The second reason: You should hire the girls out quickly to avoid paying for expensive lady drinks for most of the evening, that’s good money chucked away. Ok, if things are nice and the situation is right, why not, is just a general thought.

Some girls will only go for a short time for the same reason or because they think that they can earn more money by having a number of short times instead of one long time. This is quite true if the girl is good looking and there are enough clients about.

No matter whether a ST or LT (see below for definition), agree upon the price (apart from the obligatory hiring fee) and what you will get for your money. The clearer things are beforehand, the less chance of disappointment when back at the hotel. It is quite seldom but unfortunately does come about, that one picks up a girl who will only give a blow job with a rubber johnny. The best thing to do is to get rid of such girls without notice, but in a friendly manner. Stupid if one has not talked about these things beforehand, makes you the stupid one.

I for example, always ask whether she likes giving a blow job and whether I can shoot into her gob (this puts an end to the johnny problem), how long she can she stay the next day and that in all events she has to make me “happy again the next morning (an LT without a morning screw is no good at all).

If you are able to come to agreement then it’s out of the bar and off towards the hotel, or if you want, a bit more bar hopping and disco before you go there. No, you can’t lie on top of the girl all day, that’s something one will realise quite quickly in Pattaya. Of course you can stay in the bar; I make it clear that I am not paying for any more lady drinks after having paid the hiring fee. I only pay for normal drinks, which is Ok. Quite often the girl will like to stay in her own bar to help with the turnover.

Beer bars are a vital feature in the face of Pattaya, they belong to the townscape. It’s all quite nice really, in most of the bars one is served in a friendly manner and one is also able to just sit there and relax. Quite often I buy some Thai food on the street for a few Baht (for example, a few meat skewers with rice or papaya salad) and take it to the next best beer bar to eat. This is something quite normal in Thailand. Without asking one is normally given a few serviettes, sometimes even a plate and knife and fork. There is no ulterior motive; the people are quite often only being friendly. Of course one orders a drink from the bar, a few Bahts tip and all are happy.

During the evening the mobile food stalls and soup kitchens are out and about, there is defiantly enough to eat on the streets, nobody has to go hungry. Thais eat a lot and with enjoyment, the food in Thailand really is one of the great things about the country.

Quite often during the evening salesmen will turn up at the bars to try and make a bit of cash. On offer are fake watches, fag lighters, chewing gum, fags (Attention USA citizens, fags = Brit slang for cigarettes), Polaroid photos, sunglasses, T-shirts and all sorts of crap. A friendly “no thanks” is normally enough to get rid of these people. However, if you happen to have shown some interest then they will try everything to make you buy something.

Unfortunately there are also negative examples. In some cases depending on the location of the bar one only expects casual customers (who one will meet once and never again), or the Mamasan is simply stupid. One quickly realises whether the service is friendly or just waiting to rip you off. Keep away from bars where they shout “Eeeehhh Falang!!!”, this is disrespectful. If one is asked for a lady drink every couple of minutes it is better to just get up and go.

Most bars hope for regular customers and are polite to their guests.

By the way, don’t get irritated by the fact that sometimes there are always kids at the bar, they belong to the girls or the boss. This is quite normal in Thailand and is Ok. It’s different with the begging kids and those wanting to sell something, more about that later on.

The best looking, youngest and wickedest girls are in general not to be found in beer bars, in return some prefer the atmosphere of the open bars to the more cold air in the gogos for example. However, it is possible to grab a smart tart in a beer bar, so, just keep your eyes open and don’t wait for too long, the best are hired out first of course.

Some beer bars (which are to found in houses) have short time rooms (see photo, the girl with the glasses). Here it is possible to shag the girl of your choice on location, which is handy because one does not have to leave the premises. Prices are the same all over (room about 300), however, it’s still better to come to agreement beforehand.

In the beer bars one is able to find out quite a bit about the Thai mentality and the lifestyle of the people. This starts off when experiencing how the girls treat each other and how and what they eat etc. In each bar there is a small altar for Buddha who is made a sacrifice each day and the girls mainly pray each day on arriving at the bar. This does not disturb at all, on the contrary, it belongs to daily life in the LOS (land of smiles).

From this point of view beer bars are the ideal place to get a little closer to the Thai culture

Most of the girls come from northeast Thailand, quite a poor area with a lot of paddy fields, the Isaan. Apart from agriculture there are not many other means of earning money, which is the reason why a lot of the younger people try their luck in the cities.

For example, in Pattaya the hotels, restaurants and supermarkets etc, are despairingly looking for workers and that for above average wages. Of course it is easier, more rewarding and nicer for the girls to earn their money in the sex business, or as the case may be, in a bar. Celebrating and partying agrees with the Thai mentality, some only work until they have enough money for the next day before taking a break. This is one reason why a lot of capital in Thailand is in the hands of the Chinese.

Most girls are “recruited” by girlfriends who already have a job in a bar. Of course, when they visit home they like to show their “status symbols”, for example, expensive mobile phone, gold jewellery, brand name clothes etc. This makes the girls at home envious and the bars are always looking for new girls – younger sisters and friends will then want to get involved – and it’s better than hanging around the village doing nothing at all.

Some set off to Bangkok or Pattaya to get a job in a supermarket or laundry etc. or as a chambermaid in a hotel. After a short time they realise how easily the bar girls are earning many times the amount they themselves do; not forgetting the fun factor. The girls in the bars often form groups of friends, are always together and have the feeling that this is like a large family. After a while the girls in the supermarkets etc. quite often move from their strenuous job to a bar, is understandable really.

The girls’ service

Prostitution is illegal in Thailand, even if this is a shock to you, it’s true. However, nobody needs to be worried about this, especially us, it’s quite normal and nobody bothers about it at all.

Of course there are a lot of stupid prejudices with regard to the girls in Thailand. For example, that the poor things are forced to prostitute by pimps and that the pimps cash in, and, that they are exploited by their clients. Apart from this they are only children and sex tourists are disgusting paedophile pigs. All wrong. There are no pimps in Thailand, the girls carry out there pleasant work on a voluntary basis and they are all of age. If anyone happens to be exploited, then we are.

Of course it is true that to us Asian women look younger than they really are, especially for the inexperienced eye. Sometimes even a 30 year old mother with three children is thought to be about 14 years of age. Don’t worry, all Thais have an ID card with which it is possible to find out how old they are (more later).

The service: Whilst here at home about 99.5% of that what one becomes for money does not earn the expression GFS (girlfriend sex), in Thailand it is quite normal and standard. The girls give us the pleasant impression that they are our girlfriend. There are no restrictions at all such as the poor old bothered client here experiences and, obviously due to the lack of alternatives here at home has to be accepted without complaint. One gets depressed when one reads in forums about paying for sex where one lives, how some are made fools of and how the piss is taken. When one then reads how when saying goodbye in the Frankfurt station area or in St. Pauli in Hamburg, that some are given an extra kiss for their money, it brings tears to one’s eyes.

Of course one must pay no extra for the girl to get undressed (no women’s lib here) etc. On the contrary, everything is permitted such as with one’s own girlfriend. But, don’t expect all of them to like anal sex or other unusual practices, one should sort things like that out beforehand. Nevertheless, such things never cost extra. Either the girl is willing or you look for another, or as the case may be, one does without. On the other hand many things just happen without discussion, especially when spending a few days with a girl. Just take things easy.

All in all when talking about the service and especially the girls, Thailand is a men’s paradise. Just let yourself be surprised – it cannot be compared with here, it is much much better, a completely different world.

Massages

Thai Massages at first don’t have anything to do with sex (except for body massages) the traditional Thai massage (and related massages) are much liked amongst tourists, even I like one, two or three hours massage each week.

As usual one can get such a massage in one of the numerous massage parlours (signs on almost every corner). It is also possible to have a masseuse come to your hotel room, either one orders one directly at a massage parlour by making an appointment or one orders one through the hotel reception, which in general costs 100 – 200 Baht more (per hour). The hotel receives a commission for getting the masseuse to come around. If you order one yourself it will then have nothing to do with the hotel. Massages are also offered down at the beaches, I don’t like this because everything is sandy and all around you can watch.

Quite often you can look through the window and watch customers sitting loungers, for example having a foot massage. Keep away from these parlours, uncomfortable and too public, a bit like an event for stupid people. Arabs like this sort of thing.

A rough difference between Thai and oil massages.

Thai massage:

First of all you ask about the price at the entrance if not shown on a sign. One also asks who will perform the massage if it matters to you whether the masseuse is good looking or not. If you don’t ask you risk being passed on from the good looking girl at the entrance to the old lady with wrestlers’ fingers at the back of the place. Well, a one hour massage in Pattaya should not cost more than 200 Baht. Take a two hour massage; one hour is too short to relax.

Quite often you will have your feet washed first, you sit on a chair and the masseuse dips your feet in a bowl of soapy water.

One then follows the masseuse to a room, quite often upstairs, which is divided into small cabins with the use of curtains, sometimes gypsum board. One is led into one of the cabins, the curtain is closed from the outside and one is able to get changed without being disturbed: One is provided with a wide floppy pair of “pyjama” trousers and normally a shirt to match. One lies down on the covered mattress, which is mainly on the ground. The masseuse will then ask whether you like it rough or gentle. She will then start massaging, first of all your feet and then up towards your head. Depending on who massages you a conversation will be started. You tell the girl your name, where you come from, the reason for your visit and whether you are married or have a Thai woman. I myself am always polite and give them this information, but in general I just want a massage and shut my eyes. Often one is given a cup of green tea, which one can sip now and again.

There are great differences between both the way the massage is carried out and the ability of the “actresses”. I myself am not all that bothered about the girls looks, because all I want is a good massage. I can look at good looking girls later on in the bars. The older women are quite often very good at massaging and know what they are doing; this is something that quite often does not apply to the younger girls – how should they know? Once you have found your masseuse you will find that you will stay with her and book her again. Maybe the next time you can make an appointment with her for a massage in your hotel room. Don’t forget to take the parlours business card with you and note the name of the girl, then you will be able to arrange things the next time over the phone.

After getting dressed again you have to pay. You pay on the ground floor before leaving. It is normal to give the masseuse a tip; I always give 100 Baht for two hours. The girls only have a low basic wage and need the tip. The masseuse will hold the door open for you and says thanks.

Oil massage:

The difference here is that the massage is not carried out “dry” but with the use of oil and maybe with various scents. Apart from that one is naked with a towel only being draped over ones backside. This type of massage is normally gentle and one is not kneaded as much as during a Thai massage. Give it a try. Oil massages are a little more expensive, normally 300 Baht for an hour. One is able to take a shower after the massage. This is more comfortable in one’s own hotel room, but one should put a towel on the bed beforehand to stop the bed getting oily.

Sex during a Massage:

Yes, this does happen quite often. It is not uncommon that one is gradually “turned on”. Just by coincidence her elbow touches your private parts or during an oil massage certain parts are massaged von behind part where mum would not even think of. I know from my own experience: Such things can lead to one getting a lob-on ;-)   One can experience all sorts of things in a massage parlour, or nothing all. I myself go for a massage; sex is available at other places. You don’t buy your milk at the butchers do you? On the other hand, if one does get randy then one should not be reluctant. A lot depends on the parlour, in some of them it is a basic principle that nothing like that happens, in others it is normal. I find 500 for a blow job ok; I never pay more than that in a massage parlour. I have even had an anal job for that much, was in Patong (Phuket). Everything is a case of luck and coincidence. Quite often they will offer you a hand job, not my sort of thing, can have a wank on my own and better and cheaper at that. The girls understand.

Something else about safety:

This has to do with massages and short times in some bars. Always keep your eyes on your stuff, even when you go to the bog or for a shower. I do it this way: I have cash, mobile, cam etc. in my trouser pockets. I roll them up starting at the top; this means that nobody can slip their hand into a pocket. I leave my trousers lying in a corner near my head. In general nothing happens in the massage parlours, 99% of the ST girls are also correct. But “an open door can tempt a saint” so don’t just hang your stuff on the wall when it is possible that someone my reach over and grab it. If you go for a shower simply take your trousers with you as they are, that’s normal and will not make people wonder why. It is not possible to judge what sort of people are around, other tourists, whores, delivery services etc. etc.

The pics below are actually from Koh Chang (see “Pattaya Party”), White Sands Beach was very expensive but the ambience super, this is where I had the best massage I have ever had (no sex). Normally the massages are nothing special.

Laem Singh. Arguably one of Phuket’s most appealing beaches. Is situated between Kamala and Hat Surin, about 20 minutes on the bike from Patong.

Disadvantage: One has to walk for a few metres (Bikes and cars have to be parked up above, costs 20 Baht to be guarded). The bay is pretty small meaning it gets quite full, and for those of you who might be disturbed by the fact, it is mainly visited by Italians. Their not the cheap pool supervisors from Rimini, they are all at Patong lying in the sun. Apart from that, when the sea gets rough one has to watch out that one is not swept over to the left towards the rocks – this can be pretty dangerous – apart from all that, bathing there is easy and nice.

Advantage: Apart from the appealing location and occasional overcrowding, one is somehow still able to get a bit of peace and quiet. I cannot explain it, that’s what it’s like. One doesn’t get on each other nerves, there is very good food, I recommend ‘Da Ali’, great Italian cooking, but for those who don’t want ‘Spaghetti al Dente’ (Perfecto), there is also very good Thai food. Of course one can order ‘pet pet’ (hot) as often as one wants and with emphasis, but one always gets the lax version, the ‘farang’ version. But as I have already mentioned, high standard, and high priced as usual, but not too expensive, is still affordable. Friendly people who make a lot of effort, and of course, spectacular sunsets.

The girl was a freelancer who I dragged from the street in Patong, load of crap: Just for a bit of fun I undid her bikini, just pulled the string a little, she got really uptight, must have been on the game down Frankfurt station for some time… I just played innocent, but drove her home during the evening, sacked her without notice, of course without any payment. Where the hell are we then, got enough bitches back in Germany, bye bye.

The tsunami warning signs are not to be missing here either: In the case of an earthquake, run the 50 metres to the next hill. One just has to follow the arrows OK, we are all a lot wiser now. The wave smashed everything here as well. The people here had to start again from scratch… They didn’t have things quite as bad as others, as far as I know nobody lost their life, and the beach is a goldmine, they will have money coming in either way.

Another beach? Of course lads, we’re on an island!

Nui Beach is a small remote beach in Phuket, that apart from being situated at an appealing location, is still a bit difficult to reach. It is situated (When coming from Patong) between Kata and Nai Harn Beach. That’s where the roofed viewpoint is on the way to Khaluang Beach. One passes by the viewpoint on the right and carries on down the road, after quite some time one will see a sign with ‘Nui Beach 2 km’.

The road is absolutely terrible; I even had a bit of difficulty with the jeep… There is no way one will make it in a normal car. The roads were completely dry, haven’t got a clue how people get there during the rainy season. So, choose either four wheel drive or an enduro. I guess it is also possible with a normal motorbike, but watch out that you don’t damage any of your bones. By the way, there is a much more comfortable way to reach this beach, one gets someone in a boat to take one there, I am going to try that at some time in the future, this means that one will even have the pleasure of a small trip at sea, and as we already know, these trips are quite amusing.

After about one kilometre there is a large sign offering a ‘taxi service’: For the last kilometre 80 Baht per head, each way. One is able to park one’s car and phone with the use of the mobile, one is then picked up. Of course, this service is also offered for the return journey. It is expensive, if there are two of you it will cost a total of 320 Baht, then it is better to catch a boat, shouldn’t cost more than 400 Baht from Rawai. 

In the end one reaches the entrance to the beach, yes, one has to pay an entrance fee: 250 Baht each. This price includes a deck chair and a drink. For those who don’t believe it and think that they can get in for free, there is the telephone number of the tourist police on the sign at the entrance.

Once one has mastered all hurdles, one is rewarded with a very nice cosy beach, with excellent restaurants just above providing a lovely view of the natural surroundings.

The beach is no good for non-swimmers, gets deep pretty quickly. NBC equipment (For snorkelling) can be hired; there are also canoes for paddling about in.

OK, the typical visitor is from quiet and boring up to extravagant, and it would most certainly be great fun to turn up in a long-boat with about 5 whores to create a bit of a fuss. At least one would draw a bit of attention

Hat Surin. The beach is about 20 minutes bike journey to the north of Patong. It is completely structured for tourists, very similar to Patong. It is a very nice beach, but during the monsoon season (about May until October), swimming is not recommendable due to the life threatening currents. During this time red flags fly to warn against entering the quickly deepening water. Despite of the warnings, the occasional careless tourist drowns here.

The large picture above may deceive: The shot makes the place look romantic and solitary, but it’s not, especially during the main season. A few years back there were restaurants and bars along only about half of the stretch of the kilometre long beaches; the rest was solitary and empty. Nowadays the place is completely full from one end to the other. The new catalogue tourist hotel does the remainder of the damage. However, one is able to sit quite comfortably, there are showers and the food is recommendable, even though not all that cheap, but who would expect that here anyway.