At first sight, the airport didn’t seem to have changed all that much: The unmistakable open air reception area of the airport sticks in everyone’s mind. We are taken in the open wagons to the open air reception. Here we booked 2 bungalows (a mate was with us as well) in “Chaweng Buri” for nearly 4000 Baht, which is expensive, but we were very satisfied with the hotel. Due to it always being fully booked, we were, later in the holiday, not able to haggle the price down. One is in fact, able to book it for about half the price than when booking here, for example by Meier’s World Travels: Wasted some money again, I was not very well prepared. At the airport one is able to exchange some cash at the ATM (cash point). We took a 15 minute trip with a taxi to Chaweng for 300 Baht.

No, a big fat question mark should be entered after this headline. Both of the Gogo bars in Chaweng are only worth mentioning because there aren’t any others. One of the bars is called “Dream Girls”, the name promises a bit too much – one enters in a willing and pleasurable condition, and leaves in a pretty sober state of mind. Worn out furniture, one gets a bad back in the chairs. The girls give it all they have got… To cadge lady drinks and rip one off as much as they can.

Something else that’s worth mentioning, well that’s about it. One can have a bit of fun by buying a few ping pong balls for 20 Baht each, and then throw them in front of the dancing girls’ feet. 15 Baht for the girl, 5 for the bar. All these balls happen to be dented, done on purpose, so that they don’t really bounce around all that much, this would mean that the girls would have it a bit too strenuous when trying to collect them. The girls don’t really like it that the balls are thrown onto the stage, this means that they have to bend down. They like it a lot better if one puts them directly into their hand, so as to say, thanks a lot for dancing for me, and that I am allowed to watch you, here is a tip as well! That I pay the expensive prices because I am in a Gogo Bar, doesn’t matter.

Those who know the system with the ping pong balls from Pattaya or Bangkok, know how much fun one can have, that is, for what reason it is done. Fun for the paying guest, the signs are change around here, one turns oneself into a voluntary prat. The first evening I bought a few balls, and after I found out that I was barking up the wrong tree, I tipped the rest of the balls onto the floor for the waitresses.

This here was the icing on the cake: My mate forked out for one of the hens, paid the barfine for her. There were four of us out and about (him his hen mine hen and myself). We left the place pretty quickly and went down to the other Gogo Bar, a few metres further on, and as I now see on the photos, its called the “GB LOUNGE”, where just to mention on the side, I had drunk the worst Margarita I have ever had in my whole life, and I know what I am on about.

We ordered a bottle of the nice and tasty “Regency” Thai Whisky plus dilution, because we fancied a bit of a booze up. Now listen to this! After about a half an hour, my mate’s hen said that she had to go home soon because a baby in need of care was waiting for her. If he wanted a bit of “in and out”, then he should get a move on and look for a hotel room. Never heard of such a thing before, the (paid!!) whore giving the orders. My mate was shocked and did without her presentations. As far as I am concerned, I still cannot believe it, just without words, have never heard anything like it before in the whole wide world.

Another story from the GB LOUNGE: On this evening, my bit of stuff was quite willing, and prepared to try a threesome together with one of the dancers here. This one gave it all she had and distributed a round of French kisses. The small print in her contract brought the whole process to an abrupt end as far as I was concerned: 5000 Baht for short time… Haaaa Haaaa!!! I have never ever paid 5000 for a pro before in Thailand, and then for only ST, ludicrous.

There is one certain experience in the “Dream Girls“ that I don’t want to withhold. The extraordinary experience of the situation hat less with the bar itself to do, but more with the alcohol consume of my hen.

We had downed quite a few bevvies once again that evening, and it was getting a little late. Beforehand we had fallen through quite a few bars, Noi couldn’t get enough to drink that night and didn’t miss a chance to down one at all, but one should be able to take it. We were sat in the Gogo mentioned, right at the top in the back row. Next to us a couple of beginners who were being ripped of by a couple of crafty hens who were getting their moneys worth in the form of lady drinks. Noi was sat on my lap, Face to face, a kiss and such. Suddenly she started bobbing about.

Bobbing about on my stiffy, (just in case, sildenafil as always). I thought, man, what a great bloke I am, she’s going to come right through my jeans, just because I’m so strong and good looking. Then I realised the real reason for her shockwaves: She starts retching, holds her hand in front of her mouth, leans over to the side and pukes all over the couch. Fantastic!!! What the hell am I supposed to do now? She had puked a really big pizza sized cake on the red couch. OK, just leave the place and pretend that I had nothing to do with it, not much chance of that. I would have still had to carry her (later on I did as well), running off was for the same reason also out of the question, it’s a bit stupid with a girl hanging over ones shoulder.

So, what should I do: Wait until she has finished puking? After about 10 minutes (Funnily enough NOBODY had noticed, neither the dancing girls, the waitresses, nor the two prats with their hens had noticed a thing) I called a waitress and showed her, how ugly a thing like that can look. She didn’t seem to care, but of course didn’t seem to like it either. She changed her mind as I dragged around about 600 Baht out of my pocket, “Your want to give that for me…?” Yes of course, I’m very sorry, “No plomplem”, grabbed the cash and ran off to get a bucket of water, was back in 2 minutes with the water and a cloth to show me that she earned the money herself. She cleaned up the mess, wasn’t very happy but did a good job. This let me leave cleanly (there was still nobody interested in what had happened). I had Noi more or less jammed under my arm, then they all started looking at us, so what, I’ve paid.

Once outside, I haven’t got a clue how we made it the 200 metres back to the hotel. Motorbike taxi was no good because she would have most certainly fallen off; a taxi was stood there waiting for idiots, wanted 200 Baht for the few metres. Wasn’t much room for haggling but I took it anyway. At least Noi had puked everything up in the bars and left the taxi clean. On arrival at the hotel I discovered that I had no small change, just a 1000 Baht note! Doesn’t normally happen to me, I’m careful and know that the taxi drivers are always trying to rip one off (I can’t change). Not this one, he CAN! What a surprise. I would have even given him the 1000 – no other choice with my completely knackered out fiancée under my arm. But there are nice taxi drivers who are satisfied with 200 Baht for 200 metres…

On arrival at the hotel we set off towards the bungalow, sat her down on a stone and made it clear to her that she was not to go anywhere while I went to get the key from the reception hole. Wouldn’t have been necessary anyway, on return I found that she would NOT have been able to move anyway… I slung her over my shoulder, and carried her home, over the threshold just like someone newly in love… “Oh don’t do that…” She mumbled, nothing like a bride should be when being carried over the threshold.

I undressed her and laid her down in bed, put my bathing trunks on, took a couple of beers out of the fridge and a stodgy out of the box. Strolled off down to the beach and had a bit of a swim, naked, silver-moon, the atmosphere still a bit in the cellar. What the hell am I paying her for? Only had these sort of destructive thoughts for a short time, it crossed my mind that now and again I had been feeling pretty rough as well, so I went back up the beach to my beer for a drink. There I met a couple of security blokes and had a drink with them. It’s so nice to have such a hotel, next to the sea, and safe as well.

The next morning Noi cannot remember a single thing, but she paid the bill without a word of complaint, well, a bit of dirty this and that, hehehehehe………….

After this lovely story, just for a change a few really bad bad pictures from another bad bad evening out. The main part played by a talented, completely prick happy cock sucker. She knows the ropes and isn’t shy about anything. She used her tongue, finger and thumb, she will, likes and needs it like that, yeah, she is really harsh, and I like it harsh, look at the happy and satisfied look in her eyes…

Ok you cultural tourists! We will now do something for your education…

“Big Buddha” (at Wat Phra Yai) no visitor to Samui should miss this. It’s a 17 metre high Buddha statue, it can be accessed via a dam (near the airport), together with a temple and all the usual stuff: One can get a bite to eat, there are just stacks of souvenir stalls, statues of Buddha of all shapes and sizes, joss sticks are lit up and gold leaf applied.

There is even a sort of “electrical oracle”; this is to tell ones fate in advance. One has to insert a coin into the apparatus; a light rotates in a circle, first of all quite fast before it starts to slow down and stops at a certain point. This point has a number on which the basic facts of ones near future can be read. This reminds me a little of the “electrical monk” from Douglas Adams. We tried it out of course… My next baby is going to be a boy and Noi is to have a girl, Ok, just have to look for someone else…

The whole facility is very colourful which I liked very much. Thais love lots of colours and the shining of gold does its thing as well. Buddha is renowned for his teaching simplicity and humbleness, the gold is not liked by Thais (or Buddhists) because of its value, they like it because it is shiny, Buddha is the “enlightened”. The rays that he produces are supposed to help others on their way to be enlightened, what’s better than gold for achieving something like this?

For the Last Minute Tourists (meaning for those who didn’t manage to get a travellers guide and learn all about the does and don’ts and Taboos of course, for those who haven’t got a clue about the customs of the country) and those resistant against experience, there are notices explaining about taking off ones shoes and only to wear moderate clothing.

There is even a bit of that on Samui, OK, the chapter will not be that thick, the island is like it is. Discos in Chaweng: I didn’t think anything of the GREEN MANGO and SOLO. GREEN MANGO – 1000 pissed up young “catalogue tourists” with (brought along) company. It was always so full, terrible. They spent the whole time just getting in each others way, a bit like the local pub on New Years Eve, just open air and a lot lot larger.

Personally I liked the SOLO much more, they checked all who entered at the entrance, a huge place with a number of dance floors and various DJs. Stacks of freelancers. I hadn’t been left on my own for more that 2 minutes, for example when I needed to go to the bog, before I was more or less grabbed by one. The quality (sorry but I have to say it) of the hens, not so good, but there was surely something to be found there somewhere to suit the individual taste. There were even a few very young ones in the place. I didn’t check up on how much they wanted, sorry, after all, I was with my current fiancée. From what I have heard from other lads, it’s not that cheap there. To tell the truth, the chicks there are a little older than elsewhere, and I was glad that I was all sussed up.

By the way, both the discos I’m on about are right next to each other, about 200 metres from our hotel in a street with a U form. There are also a few Beer Bars down that way, loads of food stalls, and the two Gogo Bars, I will return to these a little later on.

Pics: Above is my bit of stuff having a dance. This is a quick opportunity to see a bit of the scene and what’s on offer. Then outside in the Beer Bars, the usual small kids at work (They mainly sell flowers and are sweet and cheeky). Of course I abide by my own rules and NEVER buy anything from them, even though it is very hard for them to understand. I do not support child labour. At the most I buy them a coke, because I know that when they sell something that they are not the ones who profit from the sale. Their slave drivers take the money (and the tip) from them. It’s rotten to see how some people put themselves in the lime light and by a whole bouquet of flowers from the girls, probably thinking that they themselves are nice helpful people.

The quality of the ladies here (whilst we are with the topic) takes another steep drop and levels off at around the quality of those of Lamai. 35 year old girls show all they can, and give it rock all, the later in the night, the more they do, Oh my Buddha!

The WC is down a side street, once I accompanied my bit of stuff down there, I heard out of my cabin how she suddenly started to scream like a pig being slaughtered. She hadn’t been able to lock her door, and a Farang had surprised her right in the middle of her “work” on the bog. The poor bastard, a young bodybuilder, wasn’t his fault and kept on apologising; to me! Shit happens.

During the daytime I mainly hung around the hotel down by the sea, especially during the first few days. Even the food is pretty good and cheap in the hotel (even better than some of the restaurants outside the area). It was quite enjoyable hanging around there. Now and again I sent my hen down to the beauty salon, this gave me a bit of time and peace for the Internet, lots of possibilities in Chaweng, there are also enough ATMs and banks.

After 2 days of recuperation I hired a car making it possible to take a good look at the island. The price of renting the car was 1600/day, it was a pretty large car, rented it in the hotel, was ok although about 100 Baht more expensive. In the case of damage or some sort of trouble, it is easier to deal with things in the hotel. A small Suzuki Jeep can be hired at the car rent including all insurances (CDW, co-payment by accident when own fault 5000 Baht) for around 800 Baht, a motorbike for 200. I didn’t want a motorbike because that’s a bit too dangerous with the girl on the back. I know myself, on the island the helmet will be forgotten about, so it’s better to travel with the much safer option of a car… Explore the beaches and other things worth taking a look at etc. During the evenings I left the car standing where it was because alcohol played quite an important part. By the way: It is imperative that one has an international drivers licence, even for a bike… Especially if one happens to have an accident or something!

A small highlight, from various aspects, is the “Big Rock” restaurant, or in good Thai, “Hin Yai”. Hung around here years ago with Nok the small “blower” from the “pump station” in Pattaya (see CD), enjoyed the food, enjoyed the view and the good mood that somehow automatically sets in as soon as one enters this place.

Why these nearly superlative words? Because it is more or less the best (when one can experience the sex that one can after all, experience all over the Promised Land) that one can await on Samui, and that in a concentrated form: The food is great, because it is Thai food as the Thais love it. Take a native of the country with you, and she will show you how things work. It will taste good all on it own accord, the price is reasonable – not really tourist prices.

Then: the view, yeah yeah, the romantic part of me is coming through again, but you really should eat here… It’s just terribly nice! The whole of it, and this is a point that really cannot be explained, one has to just try it out for oneself, to be able to understand it, in a sort of relaxed atmosphere, I mean the people there, the service, it’s just simply nice and free of stress. Everything just fits together. So during this holiday I hung around the place for quite a few hours as well, ate, gazed at the sea, enjoyed the atmosphere and had a lot of fun. We messed around quite a lot, after the second beer we calmed down, I have never seen it very full there… One is more or less alone.

It’s a pity one cannot sell it in cans – Island feeling, pure Samui.

By the way, you will find the place between Chaweng and Lamai, about half way, on the left is the sea, and on the right are huge rocks (the reason for the name). Can’t miss it if you keep your eyes open.

We are now in Chaweng, daytime, before I start: there were a few things on the island that really got on my wick… For example, that in the shops, one couldn’t as it is usually possible in Siam, haggle with the prices very much. I’m not a miser, but I do think that anyone who doesn’t haggle when buying clothes and all the paraphernalia is definitely doing something wrong. Everyone is offering something or other, Jeans, skirts, T-shirts, Fake Rolexes, handbags “Trips, drugs and grandfather clocks”, and all of them expect to be haggled down to about half the price, if not, in the eyes of a Thai, one is just completely stupid. “Farang baa!”

The way I usually do things in Thailand: I ask the price, offer around half of that straight away, the peddler or salesman will answer with “cannot”, I carry on my way (holidays are expensive) clutching the money in my hand, this will shorten the usual haggling. Normally the seller will run after you and say “OK OK”. The deal is perfect. Someone once said to me on the Sukhumvit Road: OK, you can have it for the price, but I will make no profit on the deal. I said: OK, I believe you, but we’re both liars. Loud laughing, shook hands and we were both happy.

Not so on Samui.

It’s been more than once that I have ended up not buying something because we couldn’t come to agreement just because of 50 or a 100 Baht (100 Baht are 2 Euros), and that by sums of a few thousand Baht, mad isn’t it? Yes!!!

There it seems to be like this: A customer turns up and asks about the price, and pays the price as well, of course much too expensive. Why? I think the reason lies in the structure of the visitors to the island: There are just too many “catalogue tourists”, too many newbies, too many who just let the sellers take their money from them. My hen for example is in desperate need of a couple of new belts, ok, with such narrow hips as she has, everything just slips over her backside. Yes! I found it embarrassing on this day, NO belt to be bought, the reason, just a bit of small change. But I am not letting the seller say to me “my friend, this price is good enough for you”. If one starts with the “my friend”, thing, then I have had enough. Once again, I am not a miser, exactly the opposite, and I’m not that bothered about 10 Euros either, but I’m don’t like being taken the piss of.

For this reason I had to unfortunately lower my sights on this island.

It’s always a problem going shopping with a Thai. On the one hand one HAS to have a word about the prices, so haggle, if not one belongs to the fools. On the other hand one doesn’t want to belong to the “Ki niau” (miserly) in the eyes of ones idol. It’s more stress free to go shopping on ones own, but who goes out and buys a mini skirt without her majesty there to try it on… Thank God that mine was modest and didn’t feel insulted. Normally it’s no problem at all if one has already done it once or twice, that’s if one is not on Samui!

Pictures, My bit of stuff trying a few things on. The sales women was alright for doing a bit of haggling, and we found quite a lot of stuff. Arrival in the hotel, packed out with shopping bags, beaming all over her face.

Street life in Chaweng. shops, beauty salons, massage parlours, loads of ice-cream parlours. Down on the beach one can by bikinis for 150 Baht, or for 2950 in an expensive shop. One should avoid such shops when out with the hen, that HAS to get expensive. I knew it – and still went in, ok, she liked it, the following day I wanted to “shove one in” whilst in the water, would have been a bit difficult without a bikini, well, getting down to the water anyway, apart from that, one only lives once… 

Wait for the Pattaya part of this report and you will find out why one should never, never and I mean never go to a gold shop with a girl, let alone with two… Yeah yeah I know, I was a bit of a plonker this time

Something a bit “lighter?” We were out and about in Chaweng looking for SANUK, had fun. Found what we were looking for in a few Beer Bars. Snooker, large amounts of alcohol in the form of B 52s, Margaritas and Black Labels. The lamps are burning; fun is on its way.

In between in a Swiss steak house which was not quite opposite the hotel, have forgotten the name of the place, thank God. It’s expensive and really a load of crap. Some woman who obviously came from our type of culture and her companion with a tie around his neck looked completely astonished at the sight of us, and I mean really astonished. It’s not very often that I am stared at like that. Whore! Child molester! I am more than twice the age of my companion, but not a celebrity, I mean, if my name was Davie Beckham or someone similarly prominent (or at least as rich), then I would have tolerated this, more, accepted it.

The fact that I had a young whore with me seemed to have the same effect on this woman as when watching the TV at home. I smile at her as gallantly as I could, look straight at her, in this situation, for her like a smack in the gob. She turned away disgustedly, her partner just laughed. Had obviously been out and about quite often. Don’t worry lads, things like that don’t happen that often, and when, then mainly down Samui or in the tourist hotels in Pattaya at 9 in the morning and next to the pool.