Photo: A gentleman’s menu.

Pattaya. What’s the first thing that crosses your mind when you hear this name… A friend once said: “The world’s largest knocking shop!” That hits the nail right on top of the head: Unofficially following Bangkok it’s the second largest coastal resort in Thailand. Unofficially? Yes, actually Chiang Mai comes after BKK, but if one takes the vast catchment area into consideration and all those living there unofficially, then Pattaya could be considered as second largest. It’s not just a one horse town; we could see it as similar to BKK: huge but, the normal 7 or 14 day holiday maker only visits the “appropriate trails” anyway, thus keeping things clearly arranged. Let’s concentrate on Beach Road and the Sois (side streets) that branch off it, and also the “Walking Street”. This is the area where all relevant things happen, well, at least things that interest us casual visitors.

Pattaya is not Thailand, not really, those who only know Pattaya cannot seriously claim to have been to Thailand, or even to know it, it’s more of a “special brothel area” – The infrastructure doesn’t let us occidental folk miss a thing, no, not a single thing. Anyone who really wants a German Eisbein (knuckle of pork) with sauerkraut and a glass of German Weizenbier (wheat beer) to be able to survive, and has no idea of the Thai language and, can only speak just the odd word of English, will still have no problem getting along. Not just the girls but everybody and everything here are just cut out to suit us. It starts off with the large array of German (English, Scandinavian) restaurants, continuing with the hotels that are also made to suit us (apart from the height of the fittings in the showers), and doesn’t even stop at the outside world which is also made to fit the customs of the visitors from the west. 

Examples for this are trivial but manifold: Thais don’t eat on the street. In Pattaya it doesn’t bother anyone if we do, there they do it themselves and seem to adapt themselves to US. If you run around in BKK in the evening dressed in T-shirt, shorts and flip flops, then you out yourself as a “Farang baah” (madman from the west), but not in Pattaya. Things like that belong to the street scene; it’s almost a part of etiquette…OK, one doesn’t have to exaggerate. Men wearing vests are not highly regarded, but are accepted if they can pay.

I most surely did experience a huge “cultural shock” in the LOS (land of smiles) when I visited Pattaya.

Although in those days Phuket and BKK were not my initial destination, I did know them a little. Yea ok, even that’s not the “real” Thailand because of course I only visited places where tourists just happen to visit. Anyhow, even when not familiar with the up country or places where Thais usually hang around, they were more Thailand than Pattaya. THIS cultural shock, well, I did happen to learn a little about the other customs and points of view such as religion, upbringing, family structures and their emphasis (sounds stupid, but it is a crux of the matter), or maybe I should say that I drew a conclusion from what I saw. For someone travelling to Asia for the very first time, one could say it’s more of less a completely different planet.

No, Pattaya completely amazed me and I immediately became fascinated with the place. It’s the easy going way that the people (even the girls) deal with things, also with sex! It’s a Thai attitude to take life as it is (for various reasons). We would say “one should celebrate when one has the opportunity”. The Thai word for this is “Sanuk”, a genuine attitude to life which I find more than sympathetic.

I was able to experience this second “cultural shock” in Pattaya; it seemed to me to be paradise, THE paradise! There is nothing that isn’t available, don’t hold yourself back, just get stuck in there and grab what you can.

Well, in the meantime I have been there quite a few times, when taking a look behind the scenes it’s obvious that not all that shines is made of gold, there are two sides to the same coin. We won’t let that irritate us any further. Sanooking!

Yes, I’ve been to Patty quite often since 1997, even though never any longer than for 10 days. Any longer would have driven me crazy. Have had a lot of experiences, bad ones were few and far between and the surprises were mainly of the more pleasant type. Have had lots of parties with friends (and lots of chicks), “fallen through” bars, often Beer Bars, even more often Gogo Bars, now and again I dragged a freelancers along from the Beach Road or from one or the other currently popular Disco (the scene changes location continuously but generally stays the same). Lastly favoured taking advantage of the relevant offers in the most relevant bars. (Soi 6 is named here first). Yes, good old Grubert is always right in the thick of it; I can claim this without even exaggerating. Have taken many thousands of pics and made stacks of videos. For me it’s like keeping a diary and they provide the guideline for this report. 

Enough blathering. It’s not supposed to be a cultural travel guide, so let’s get going. But where the hell shall I start? What does one do after arriving in ones hotel in Pattaya? Of course, unpack the suitcase, have a quick shower followed by a nice cold beer from the mini-bar and then, let’s get down to business. The pressure in the loin is immense due to the dismal months spent with the emancipated bitches at home and the thrill of the anticipation of the LOS and true life. So how about a little bit of “root treatment”? Let’s consider that it’s early in the afternoon and the beer and Gogo Bars are still closed, the chairs and bar stools are still turned upside down on the tables. So, off we go to Soi 3 to the “Welcome Inn”, insiders also call it the “Belgian Embassy”. The girls here are a little older and more professional, which is just the right thing for a short time (ST).

The outside appearance is similar to that of a restaurant. I was there not that long back when I took advantage of the next best decent offer. She was obviously not 20 years old any more, her figure… well her weight class didn’t really match mine, but I went in looking for fun as usual, she addressed me with, “where you come from”? “What’s your name”? “You stay here for business or holiday”?… These being the normal formalities. I ordered myself a beer and bought her a lady drink (100), and about a minute later she mentioned all the places she would like to lick me. Keyword “Rimming”. This sales argument convinced me. Well boys, what do you want, Jennifer Lopez (getting on a bit) or horny?

The room was super, aircon, shower, everything new, no time pressure. The main thing, she kept all of her promises. I didn’t slip it in, I like a decent blow job (BJ). This took around about 30 minutes including the first and the second shower, after all I was completely loaded and the 50mg of Sildenafil (at the moment I prefer Kamagra) did its job. Nothing to move the world with, but what more do you want when investing 700 Baht for an ST. I returned to the bar with her quite content with what I had received and had a nice conversation with her female “colleagues”. Don’t be surprised about the traditional clothes the girls are wearing; it was “Loy Kratong”, an important Thai public holiday where the girls like to wear these costumes. To be quite truthful, I think they look quite erotic.

OK, the initial pressure has been relieved so off we go down to Beach Road. This is actually a chapter within itself…There’s quite a lot to tell, for a start: Beach. Forget it, nobody, and I mean nobody goes to Pattaya to swim. The water is filthy and the beach absolutely tiny. One is able to lie in a deck chair and drink from a coconut, or a “Beer Chang”. Just take a look who’s messing around there, very interesting. Or rent a boat to take a trip to Koh Larn with a mate and a couple of bits of stuff (more later). Beach Road is renowned for only one thing: For its freelancers. These are girls who for some reason or other don’t want to “work” in bars, but would rather pull punters themselves. This in general first takes place after the fall of darkness. To take advantage of the better view, first of all a few pics by daylight.   

More about the night time activities on Beach Road later. First of all with it still being quite early, lets frequent one or the other Beer Bars whilst were waiting for the “drinkers sun”. There are thousands of Beer Bars in Pattaya. Nobody knows them all, not even from outside. Here are a few stories and photos concerning the theme, but am not bothered about the chronological order.

Wan. I noticed her around midday in a bar on Soi 8. I had just had breakfast, a plate of noodle soup and a supporting beer when she turned up for work. As most Thai girls do, the first thing she did was light up a few Joss sticks for Buddha. It looked so erotic that I immediately fell in love. I went up to her, a quick chat and asked her whether she was ready for a bit of ST with a Farang. She said that she was prepared to accompany me to my hotel for a period of 2 hours for 500 Baht + 200 barfine. On arrival, the first thing I did was get rid of the pubic triangle, if there’s one thing that turns me off, it’s a pussy covered in hairs and I’m not talking about a cat either. This was followed by a shag worth every cent. The disadvantage was that my hotel (Eastiny Inn) was only 50 metres away which meant that I walked passed her bar every day. She was hoping for a repeat of the “easy money”… Love doesn’t go that far.